When "Honesty" Becomes the Cruelest Thing in the Room

A post appeared in LDS Dating - Midsingles last week that generated over 330 comments and nearly a thousand reactions. The original poster wanted to talk about health and attraction. He opened by acknowledging that "we cannot have an honest conversation about attraction on here without fighting," then proceeded to share his unfiltered thoughts about people he sees weekly who are overweight. "I am baring my soul," he wrote. "Am I the problem? Or is their unchecked appetite and disorder in their eating habits and ultimately gluttony the real problem here?"

The thread exploded. Not because people disagreed that health matters. Not because the community is incapable of nuance. It exploded because of the contempt. Words like "appalling" and "painful to watch" peppered the post. The author positioned himself as the brave truth-teller, the one courageous enough to say what everyone else was supposedly too weak or dishonest to say.

One commenter offered a clinical breakdown that earned 65 likes: "It's a sermon wrapped in contempt, and then it blames the audience for not applauding." Another woman wrote that the men in this group had made her want to never date again. She noted that when men do show empathy toward women, other men attack them and call them "simps."

Scott and Laurie read the whole thing. All 334 harvested comments. And they have thoughts.

The Difference Between Truth and Cruelty

Scott

Here is something I want to say plainly, because I think a lot of men need to hear it: Having a preference is not the same thing as being honest. And sharing your preference in a way that humiliates people is not bravery. It is cruelty with a costume on.

You can prefer fit partners. You can be attracted to people who prioritize their health. That is allowed. But when you describe other people's bodies as "appalling" and frame their struggles as "gluttony," you are not speaking truth. You are speaking disgust. And disgust is not a tool for connection. It is a weapon.

The original poster in this thread seemed genuinely confused about why people pushed back so hard. He thought he was being real. He thought he was the only one willing to say what everyone secretly thinks. That framing, the "I'm just saying what everyone's afraid to say" framing, is almost always a red flag. It suggests that the speaker has stopped checking whether their delivery matches their intent. And in dating, delivery is everything.

Laurie

One of the comments that stuck with me was this: "A good point can get lost when it comes across as contemptuous." That is such a generous way to phrase what happened here.

Because here is the thing. The original poster may have had a point buried in there somewhere. Health does matter. Attraction does matter. But the point got buried under layers of superiority and shame. And when you wrap a reasonable idea in contempt, people stop hearing the idea. All they hear is the contempt. All they feel is the judgment.

This is true in dating conversations. It is true in marriages. It is true in friendships. If you genuinely want to help someone, you lead with care. If you lead with disgust, you are not trying to help. You are trying to feel superior. And the people on the receiving end can always, always tell the difference.

The Truth-Teller Trap

Laurie

There is a pattern I see often in midlife dating spaces. Someone positions themselves as the lone voice of honesty in a world of coddling and political correctness. They believe they are the only adult in the room, the only one willing to name hard truths.

This is what therapists sometimes call a grandiosity defense. It is a way of protecting yourself from vulnerability by convincing yourself that you are simply more perceptive, more honest, and more courageous than everyone around you. The problem is that it makes genuine connection almost impossible. Because you are not actually engaging with other people. You are performing for an imaginary audience that admires your bravery.

The original poster asked, "Am I the problem?" and then immediately answered his own question: No, the problem is everyone else's "unchecked appetite" and "gluttony." That is not self-reflection. That is a rhetorical trick. And the community saw right through it.

Scott

I want to be fair here. I think some men genuinely do not realize how they come across. They think they are being direct. They think they are being helpful. They do not understand why people get upset.

But here is what I would say to any man in that position: If everyone in the room reacts to your honesty with anger or hurt, the problem is probably not that everyone else is too sensitive. The problem is probably that your honesty is missing something essential. Empathy. Humility. The recognition that other people are full human beings with their own struggles, not just objects you are evaluating.

Truth without empathy is not truth. It is just noise that makes you feel smart while pushing everyone else away.

The "Simp" Problem

Scott

One of the saddest comments in the thread came from a woman who wrote that the men in this group had made her want to never date again. She pointed out that when men do show empathy or kindness toward women, other men attack them and call them "simps."

I want to talk about this directly, because I think it is poisoning midlife dating spaces.

Simp is a word that gets thrown around online to shame men who treat women with basic decency. The implication is that showing kindness or empathy toward a woman means you are weak, desperate, or angling for approval. And that framing is toxic. It teaches men that emotional intelligence is a liability. It punishes connection. It rewards coldness and contempt.

If you are a man who gets called a simp for being kind, do not internalize that. The men calling you that are not winning at dating. They are just losing more loudly.

Laurie

And to the women reading this: I know it is exhausting. I know it makes you want to give up. But please remember that the loudest voices in a room are not always the most representative. There are good men in these spaces. Men who want to connect, who are capable of empathy, who are not interested in dominance games. They are often quieter because they do not want to get dragged into fights. But they are there.

The challenge is learning to filter for them. Learning to recognize contempt early and walk away from it. Learning to notice the men who listen, who ask questions, who do not need to be the smartest person in every conversation. Those men exist. And they are looking for you, too.

What Attraction Actually Requires

Scott

Let me say something that might sound contradictory to everything above: You are allowed to have standards. You are allowed to want a partner who takes care of their health. You are allowed to find certain body types more attractive than others. None of that is wrong.

What is wrong is the assumption that your preferences are universal truths that everyone else should accept without question. What is wrong is the contempt. What is wrong is the framing that positions anyone who does not meet your standards as morally deficient.

You can hold high standards without shaming people who do not meet them. You can be honest about what you want without being cruel about what you do not want. The two are not in conflict. They only feel that way when you have stopped treating other people as full human beings.

Laurie

Attraction is not a math equation. It is not a checklist where you add up physical traits and emotional qualities and arrive at a number. Attraction is a felt experience that happens between two people. And contempt kills it instantly.

I have watched people become more attractive to each other as they build trust and affection. I have watched initial physical attraction fade when someone reveals that they see their partner as a project to fix rather than a person to love. The way you see people shapes how attractive you are to them. If you see potential partners as failing to meet your standards, that energy radiates off of you. And it repels the very people you are trying to attract.

Finding Your Way Forward

Laurie

If you read that thread and felt discouraged about dating, I understand. It is hard to watch people tear each other apart over something that should be a conversation about connection. It is hard to see contempt rewarded with engagement while kindness gets dismissed as weakness.

But here is what I want you to remember: You do not have to participate in that dynamic. You do not have to date people who think cruelty is honesty. You do not have to perform toughness to be taken seriously. You do not have to shrink yourself to avoid judgment from people who have already decided what you are worth.

The path forward is not about becoming harder or more defended. It is about becoming clearer. Clearer about what you want. Clearer about what you will not tolerate. Clearer about the difference between someone who sees you and someone who is just evaluating you.

That clarity takes time. It takes practice. It takes a willingness to walk away from spaces that make you feel small. But it is possible. And when you find it, everything changes.

And when you are ready to go deeper, we will be here.

- Scott & Laurie

Weighing in from the lowest tier of the Celestial Kingdom, where we learned that the difference between honesty and cruelty is usually just the presence of a heart.